Saturday, October 5, 2013
This is for you, if you are one who has not been lucky in love. I hope I can help. I want to at least. Perhaps you have chosen a partner who did not want what you wanted, did not feel what you felt, and did not want to walk beside you into a future together.
I have really had to sit with this and think deep and hard because I want to help you find the happiness you deserve. Sometimes you find yourself with someone who is not only not-walking with you, but subtly trying to kick your feet out from under you every chance they get.
In the beginning you thought you had found beautiful love and today you find you have a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.
Sometimes we fall in love with a person before we have fully come to know them. Othertimes it is not that so much but simply that they changed. They are not the same anymore. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover and sometimes we can’t.
Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. No one has preached more and stressed more intensely the need for forgiveness. It is important. How can we expect forgiveness from the Lord if we are not forgiving ourselves, especially to the one we made those vows with? But there is another side to that coin. And we need to see the other side of the coin too.
When your relationship is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we accept that this type of love isn’t healthy? Love and relationships require work and responsibility, but at the same time there is a bending point and a breaking point.
Here are some things I do know:
1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.
2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them. Enjoy, but remember to give thanks.
3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.
4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make things better.
5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.
6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for everyone and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.
7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.
8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. There is a time to “shake off the dust from your feet.” The Lord knows if you have done your best. And if you can honestly say to yourself that you did your best then I know that later in life when you look back at this time you will not have any regrets because you will feel the peace that comes with knowing you did your best.
You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.
It WILL feel better. Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. When you find yourself in a bad situation, please stop picking at scabs. Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle. Surround yourself with loving relationships.
I think some don’t believe in their heart that they will ever find true love, and subconsciously chose partners pre-prepared for a challenge ahead. But you don’t need to settle for a challenge. You need not put yourself in a situation where you don’t know where you stand in their life, a place where you feel unsteady and unloved.
My heart truly goes out to the people out there who are in just such a bad place. I know much it hurts. I'm on the other side of that kind of pain and I can tell you and want to say that it will get better, I promise!
You may think you will never be happy again - just not true. There is a day coming where you will be consistently happy, balanced, and more joyful than ever. You will learn from this, learn more about yourself, even the dark side.
You will learn to be more honest, because you have learned how damaging ambivalence, ambiguity and misconceptions can be. You learn to appreciate the day, because you will have learned and become aware that it all can be over tomorrow, or in an hour, even in a moment. It is a poignant feeling, but not really that unpleasant. It makes you truly enjoy every moment you are together and reminds you to keep each day and the rest of your life as vibrant and exciting as possible.
I urge you to take the time needed to fall in love with yourself. Sometimes we place such a high importance on loving someone else, but what about ourselves? Where have you heard “love your neighbor as you love yourself?” We can’t give what we don’t have. We must love and honor ourselves before we can take the next step of loving someone else. We need this foundation. Once in place you are ready to build. Your house needs this solid foundation or you won’t be able to withstand the winds when they come. So take time now and build your foundation. And look forward to a better day, a brighter day and a happier day. It is coming. And it will be awesome, a love just as awesome as you.
Blessing to you, Ric