Ducks in a Row

I have compulsive behaviors…


…I chew the insides of my cheeks, the backs of my lips. I bite my nails – I bite the skin around my nails.
…I often am obsessed with symmetry. If I step on a crack with my right foot, I often feel an irresistible urge to step on a crack with my left foot. If I have five chairs on the right side, I need to have 5 chairs on the left side. I need balance. I need my closet in order and correctly balanced. I need my books on the shelf to be in order. I need like things kept together.


These days my compulsive rituals are mostly hidden and do not cause me great problems. I still bite my cheeks. I still pick at the skin on my fingers from time to time, and sometimes I tap out a drumbeat in my head. No one knows that I do this because I hide my percussion instrument behind my closed lips.

I have rituals. I do everything in the same order when getting dressed each morning. I have a “arriving at work” ritual which involves about 30 minutes of stuff before I am ready to get started on the days projects.

It's funny because in many areas of my life I have found peace. I am at peace with the jobs I have and my direction and calling in the world. I am at peace with my small sphere of influence or power in the world. I am relaxed and at peace with my marriage and my friends and my children.

But I cannot deny that when I am alone, I'm still a nail-biting, cheek-biting bundle of tics and funny habits. When no one is watching, I see the signs that indicate I am a bit anxious and fearful about something. But what?

Doctors have suggested that compulsive behavior can be remedied with medications. It does not seem right to me. Our behavior tells something about us. But I don’t know just what this says about me for sure.


Maybe its because I still have some unbalance that needs correcting - Maybe because I am anxious to get some area of my life back in order again. A couple areas come to mind, and plans are in motion to restore that order. Maybe I need reassurance that you like me just the way I am. I know that, but not sure why I would need reassurance. With my eyes half closed and my defenses down, perhaps I can hear the voice of my Father in heaven, who loves me as I am and leads me along the winding path of this spiritual journey.

"Do not worry, Ric, when you realize that you have not yet arrived. After all, there would be no journey if you had nowhere left to go."


May all your ducks be in a row….Ric